Heaven
The clouds tonight were fantastic.
For me growing up not knowing Jesus- barely even knowing of Him, Heaven was really an unknown. I have a really vivid memory of when I was younger. I remember the house we lived in so I suppose I was around 9 and I knew my Grandma lived in heaven. She passed away when I was just 6 of cancer. Because I didn’t really understand death I didn’t get why she just couldn’t come back. Someone must of told me heaven was in the sky because when I yelled and I mean I. Yelled. up to heaven I begged Grandma to come back. I was home alone in my living room and I distinctly remember telling her that if she really loved me she’d come back. I’m not sure how long I had my little one sided screaming match but some serious grieving went on that day only I didn’t know that is what I was doing. I just didn’t understand why it wasn’t possible for Grandma to come back-I knew she loved me and if she could hear me and watch over me like everyone said she could then why wouldn’t she?
When I was about 12 my pet hamster died and again I just didn’t get it. Confession time- I wrapped up my hamster and put him in the garbage. I suppose I didn’t know what else to do with him. I don’t remember talking to my mom about it. Anyway I went back the next day and dug him out of the dumpster to see if by any chance he was alive again.
So the obvious result of not understanding death or heaven was fear of both.
So on Friday May 31st, 1996 when my friend Kathy called me to tell me a body had been found within a few houses of another friend of ours I didn’t think twice about calling our friend at her job to see if she was alright. I figured she was pretty freaked out and I wanted to offer a place to stay that night in case she didn’t want to go home.
The night before we had been together. We were together with a small group of women and it was a great night. I will never forget the look on Selina’s face. She looked so peaceful and stated out loud that never had she felt such peace as she did at that moment in her life. She knew things were falling into place. She was grateful for life. I have replayed that scene in my head so many times and am so thankful that God in all his mercy bestowed upon my friend that peace and serenity. I dropped her off that evening at her house around 8:30- in a bit of a hurry because I had someone coming over to look at my car that I had for sale. She said she was going to make some mac and cheese and then zip down to use the phone at the gas station to call her parents. She talked to her parents. She left the gas station to walk home and never made it home.
On May 31st when I called her job and they told me she was supposed to be there but wasn’t I just knew. I didn’t want to know and on the drive over to her apartment I told myself I was just being crazy and that I’d get there to find she had over slept or was sick and all comfy cozy in her apartment. I had let my friend know that I was going over to check on Selina and she was also concerned and said she’d meet me there.
When I pulled up Kathy was standing next to a police officer, they told me to park the car -the look on her face made me want to vomit. Because Selina wasn’t from Rochester we were the first two people there that were able to help in her identification and that is where my worst nightmare began.
Thankfully for Selina the nightmare was over. Although that didn’t occur to me until a few days later. I was looking up at some clouds and wondering where she was, wondering if she was OK. Wondering why this had to happen to her. I remember thinking that her pain was over. Selina wasn’t left with the aftermath of what happened and for the first time ever Heaven made sense to me.
‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
I can’t tell you how many times I have questioned that night and why the will of that man choose to take her life. I have never questioned God about it. I firmly believe that Jesus protected her from the horror of that night. What I have questioned is this: She was a single mom with 2 children- both of which were within a year of my own two children at the time. She was working hard to get her life together and I wasn’t that much further in front of her. Our lives were so parallel and her death made death real to me. It made heaven real to me.
I guess I just wanted to write about this because today Friday May 31st was not much different than that day was the sun was out and it seemed as if the clouds looked much like they did tonight – the circumstances of my day were completely different. My life has changed so much since that day 17 years ago. My fear of heaven “the unknown” doesn’t feel so unknown or scary anymore. I still look up at the clouds and wonder about Selina and my Grandma. I wonder about Janel and Hunter. I know they are all having a blast and that makes me smile. I am thankful for a new perspective, an understanding and the promise of heaven.
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